Rating:
PG

Archive:
As usual anywhere that wants it just let me know.

Disclaimer:
Do we have to do this every time. I think it’s clear by now that
I don’t own them.

Summary:
Claire reflects on her time with John on the 18th month anniversary
of their romance.

Authors
Notes: Written as a tribute to my Nan who passed away on 13th
January 2007. I miss you Nan and always will.

Also
for Gem6 who has reviewed all of my stories so far. I wrote a
John/Claire Fic especially for you because I know how much you are
missing them.

I
hope to get back into writing as soon as possible.

You will always be with me.

No matter what the day, or time, you will always be in my heart.

I sit here
in my favourite stuffed armchair, a photo album lying open in my lap,
thinking about the past few years. A tear slides down my cheek and
pools on my hand as I remember your smiling face. No one ever knew
about us, which is why no one understands what I’m going through
right now.

A year, a
whole year we we’re together on the quiet and still no one has
noticed. Well except Hodges, but that’s only because I yelled it
at his face, the arrogant bastard.

I walked
into CID the day after it happened, after I heard the news and I
knew, I just knew he was responsible. I almost got up and strangled
him right there and then, but I held myself in check, because even
through the pain and the tears, I knew something they didn’t,
something that could get him into more trouble than he ever thought
possible. If only you were there to see it. If only that stupid
bastard Hodges hadn’t fallen for his tricks.

Another
tear falls as I flick the page and another picture, brings back a
memory, of the fun times we shared together. Do your remember that
hotel we stayed in that got burgled and we had to run rings round
everyone to solve the case so no one saw the security tapes, that we
was paranoid we were on. Yeah, that didn’t work out too well
either did it? We made it worse and then sergeant Ackland had a go
at us for skipping out of the first aid refresher course.

Several
more tears form and fall silently onto the pages as I turn them one
at a time, searching through the memories to remember the good times.
A loud knock, startles me from my thoughts, and I jump up knocking a
glass of wine across the floor.

“Damn,”
I curse as I pick it up and put the photo album down on the chair why
I go and see who’s at the door.

I don’t
bother wiping the tears from my eyes as I assume it is only a
salesman or something and I really can not be bothered with them.

I pull
open the door, and blink away the tears to focus on the person
standing in front of me.

“Hey,
what’s up?” Kerry asks me.

Yeah that
was a surprise; I didn’t think anyone wanted anything to do with me
after my secret identity was revealed. I would have told you John,
honestly I would. I was just about to explain all when you picked up
the phone and went to meet that conniving bastard. I should have
stopped you, I know I should, but I didn’t know how.

“Hello,
earth to Claire, anyone in there?” Kerry asks breaking through my
reverie.

“Sorry I
was miles away,” I explain. What else could I say?

I
reluctantly invite her inside, momentarily forgetting about the photo
album still face down on my chair, and offer her a drink. After
getting us both one from the kitchen I return to the living room and
sit down in the now vacant chair. I hand Kerry one of the glasses
realising what she’s looking through.

“I had
no idea,” she mumbles leafing through the album.

“Yeah
well, it was for the best, it had to be that way,” I explain.

“How
long?” she asks me.

“18
months today,” I answer another tear rolling down my face.

“That
long and you never told anyone?”

“I
couldn’t, it was too risky, if anyone found out it could’ve got
us both into trouble, put both our lives at risk, not to mention you
and the rest of Sun Hill.”

“Did you
see him, … you know, … when…?”

“Yeah!”
I mumble, “ I should have stopped him, warned him,” I repeat my
mantra, knowing if I could change things, go back to the way they
was, I would’ve told you, even if it means you would’ve hated me.

“What
happened?” she asks me.

Maybe she
doesn’t know about Beech then? I dunno whether Hodges revealed
that titbit of information to them.

“We had
had an argument earlier in the day, and were talking it through, when
the phone rings. He picks it up and it’s Beech, wanting to meet
him to discuss the case or meet a witness or something, So, he goes,
and yes I know I should have tried to stop him, but I didn’t know
what to say. So anyway, a few hours later I get a phone call, it’s
Meadows asking everyone to come in early. I was so shocked at what
he told me, I just followed his orders blindly.”

“Wait a
minute, are you saying that it was Don Beech that did that to him?”

“Yeah, I
thought you had already figured that bit out?”

“No one
told us that, it was all just speculation. No one said anything
about it.”

“Well, I
guess you know now. Beech was the one that … and if I had told
John the truth I might have prevented any of this from happening.”

“You
couldn’t have known what was gonna happen. I mean they were
supposed to be best mates or something”

“Maybe,
but I knew what Beech was capable of, I didn’t thing he would go
that far with, … but I had seen evidence of the damage he could do.
That’s why it had to be a secret.”

“I think
I understand, but what have CIB got to do with it?”

“That’s
the whole point, Beech was and is corrupt, CIB have been
investigating him for years. That’s why I was sent to Sun Hill, to
report on his dealings, and find the evidence to convict him.
Everything was going fine, until I made the biggest mistake an
undercover officer can ever make, falling in love with a potential
suspect.”

“But…”

“Don’t
get me wrong, I knew John wasn’t involved, but proving that to that
arrogant git, Hodges is like trying to get chewing gum off the bottom
of your shoe. It just doesn’t happen.”

“So you
mean ….”

“Yes.”

“Oh my
God.”

I think I
have officially shocked Kerry into silence. Yeah I know, not an easy
task I can assure you. If only you was beside me to see this first
hand.

I give her
a few minutes to comprehend it all before, saying, “The hardest
part is, that because no one knew, no one will ever understand what
I’m going through, how hard it is, the memories.”

“I wish
there was something I could do to help,” Kerry adds regretfully.

“No one
ever can,” I whisper.

We talk
for a few more minutes before she gets up and leaves, promising to
visit again tomorrow. Even if she can’t understand, she’s
willing to still be my friend. That’s more than I could have ever
hoped for.

I sit back
down with the photo album in my lap. Tears filling my eyes. Through
the tears I whisper, “I love you John, no matter where you are,
whether we’re together or not, I’ll always love you and you’ll
be forever in my heart and mind.”

I let the
book fall closed and slip into a peaceful sleep, with you on my mind.

The End.

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you think? Did you need those tissues? Review Please.